Christmas Eve Past, Present, and Future

Last night was a late one. Josh picked up on a subtle mood change I had and asked about it. At first I owned up to feeling kind of sad but said that I wasn’t sure why. He looked at me again and said he didn’t buy that response. So I opened up.

With the holidays upon us there is a lot on my mind and yesterday in particular I was really bummed out that Christmas isn’t like it used to be when I was a kid.

Growing up we spent Christmas Eve at my Mormor and Papa’s house (Mormor is Swedish for Mother’s mother). We had a huge Swedish meal, meatballs, ham, potatoes, Limpa, lutfisk, lingonberries, etc. All of the adults (cousins, aunts, uncles, etc) would be upstairs laughing and catching up, and Christmas music played in the background. Downstairs all of us kids would play and watch movies.

Before dinner everyone would gather around the table and we would have a “thankful ceremony.” Mormor would start with what she was thankful for and then use her lit candle to light the next persons and this would continue until we made it all around the room and Papa would close it off. Then we would pile our plates with the food we only got once a year, and I mean it when I say plates too, it didn’t matter how many people were there, every person had a real plate and silverware. After dinner the women would all help clean up the kitchen and us kids could get out of our fancy clothes and put on pajamas.

It was a really wonderful time every single year. Unfortunately, things don’t always stay the same. When I was in high school my grandparents moved and then they began to suffer medically. My mom took over the tradition and it still is a wonderful time, but I miss the way things used to be and it’s really weighing on me.

So last night I shared all of this with Josh in between tears. I kept getting frustrated at myself for being unable to talk without sobbing. Thankfully Josh stopped me and said it was ok to be emotional. He listened to my stories through my crying and then what he had to say was perfection.

He said that it’s normal for me to feel this way and that the way he saw what I described was cyclical. When I was growing up I got to be the kid, experiencing Christmas Eve from that point of view. Now that we are married that Christmas Eve is not existent. The family dynamic is shifting. Our role is in between that of young adults and parents/aunts and uncles.

Hearing his take on the situation made me feel so much better. While I still desperately miss those perfect Christmas Eve’s of my childhood, I know that we simply have a new role to fill. Christmas and Holiday traditions are beautiful and although they shift and change, the memories will last forever and will always be cherished. 

(Pictured: Josh & I Christmas Eve 2010)