No longer the middle man

Recently I have been surrounded by drama at work and I have been trying my absolute best to not succumb to the gossip and keep as many people out of it as possible. It hasn’t been easy. Especially when individuals come to me asking questions about why there is division and I have to skate around it in order to “keep the peace” and stop the problem from spreading.

Then I read a quote that said, “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.”

This quote was like a wake-up call! I have been spending so much time trying to protect the integrity of people who are doing nothing to deserve it! I have skated around issues, down-played interactions, and kept the peace. All the while the other individuals involved are continuing their destruction and not warranting my attempts to defend their character. I am suffering in my attempts to downplay the problems and clean up the mess, and that is so not fair.

I talked to Josh about this because obviously drama can be all-consuming. He has such a level head and is truly a great person to bounce opinions off of. When I explained to him where I was and what my new plan is, he said that as long as I keep gossip out of it, I have every right to stand my ground and speak the truth.

I have decided to live in my truth about situations from now on. I cannot continue to go along with things that go against my soul and I will not defend or downplay the hurtful actions of other people. I have decided that from this point on, if asked about why something is happening I will voice my thoughts on it (in a classy, non-gossipy way) and direct them to address the person causing the issue. It is no longer my job to take the heat off the people causing division amongst the group.

I have been burned too many times doing the right thing and defending people who I thought deserved it. I will no longer go against what I know to be right in order to protect someone else from being exposed for their detrimental actions.

I believe in creating a fair and equal work environment where everyone is given the chance to move forward and succeed. I do not believe in favoring certain people and letting the rest squander. At the end of each day I have to be able to look in the mirror and be happy.

Groceries

I absolutely ADORE being a homemaker. Keeping the house clean, preparing meals, stocking the fridge and pantry; every single aspect of it is exciting to me! It’s fulfilling at the end of the day to look across our home and see everything in its place and have food on the table.

Unfortunately, making all of those things happen is not the easiest, or the most desirable thing to do. Why? Because it means going to the grocery store!

Today I went grocery shopping and it turned into an overwhelming fiasco. Which I’m finding to be the case more and more often.

I went in with a list of ten things, hoping to get in and get out. That was not the possible. I think every single elderly person grocery shops at the same time. Now, I am not bashing the elderly. I understand that they will take their time and such, but I do not excuse their rudeness! I am a customer just the same and do not deserve an eye roll when I need to grab something off a shelf that they are blocking with their cart. It’s just not right, and makes my shopping experience more stressful.

Then of course there is the constant construction. I think every store I have set foot in over the last month has been doing some level of remodeling. Today was no exception and it was near impossible to navigate the store. I think I had to go back and forth across the store 4-5 times today because I could not figure out where certain aisles were. Every time I turned around, I realized I passed the section I was looking for because there were boxes in the way. It was not a pleasant experience.

Now try to navigate and keep track of your grocery budget. I went through my cart numerous times trying to keep track of how much I was spending so that I could use the cash I brought and not have to swipe my card. You can’t keep accurate track of the cost of things if you are unable to navigate the store and avoid the other customers.

Then comes the time to check-out. Do stores not want to deal with its customers anymore? I was in line to have an actual cashier and then asked to go check-out at one of those self-checkouts. Seriously? I was fine waiting in line to interact with an actual human, but no, I got to check myself out and bag my mess of groceries. I don’t understand.

It truly was a mess of an experience, but on the positive side, that stressful morning of shopping will allow me to continue providing meals for my hubby and me =)

Gift Giving

Believe it or not Christmas is fast approaching and that means scouring the internet and malls for the perfect gifts for loved ones.

Yesterday I was driving to my parents and listening to the radio, after one too many commercials I turned on the CD player. The first disc to play was one of my favorite gifts of all time.

Josh and I have a unique story about how we began dating, and for years I would ask him to tell the story anytime someone wanted to hear it. His version is hilarious and I get so much joy listening to him tell it. Well, after being asked one too many times to tell our story, Josh came up with a clever idea.

Josh wrote out our “Love Story” for me and coupled it with a CD. Each “chapter” he wrote was accompanied with a song that related to what the chapter was about. It was absolutely amazing! I keep it in my car and every time I get to listen to it, I remember the different stages that brought us together. I love that CD because of the time and effort it took for Josh to find the songs and put it together. It means so much to me that he took the time to do that for me. I laugh, cry, and reminisce every time I hear it.

The moral of that story is, that sometimes money spent doesn’t matter. What matters is recognizing the little things that make someone feel heard and special. Josh has spent a considerable amount on gifts for me over the years, but my favorite gifts from him are the ones that took thought and effort.

Interactions

“People may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

I googled this quote to see who said it originally and stumbled on several variations quoting different individuals. Ultimately, who said it first does not matter. What matters is that this quote is profoundly true.

In my own life, I can instantly think of 2 recent instances where this quote has been proven true.

The first example occurred over the summer. I was on Facebook and came across someone I had not seen since I was in 8^th grade in that “people you may know” section. I sent them a request and before I knew it, there was a message in my inbox and an accepted friend request. The message was direct, to the point and made me cry. The woman I friended was not popular in school, and she often was given a hard time. Her message to me, 10 years since the last time we saw each other, thanked me for never joining in on the teasing and making her feel like she was special. To be honest, I can’t even remember a full interaction with her, but she did. I was moved that she remembered me so fondly and I was happy that I was able to make her feel good.

The next example happened over the weekend. I had an interaction with an individual who is “higher ranking” than me at work and it was truly disheartening. I can’t recall exactly what was said, or even how it was said, but I do know that my interaction with her left me feeling belittled and dumb. That one exchange between me and her has left me with such a poor outlook on her, that I know it will impact my future opinions of her.

It is important to remember that how you treat people is important. Even at times when you don’t think it makes a difference. People do not forget the way you made them feel.

Bear with me, I'm bringing in some "Current Issues"

OK, I have a confession to make. I love reality TV. I stay current on all the Housewives, and frequently keep up with the Kardashians. My husband makes fun of me for it, but it’s the one guilty pleasure I indulge in, well that and the occasional sweets.

I’m sure you have heard about the situation with Lamar Odom, and honestly I have been glued to his story like he was a friend of mine. When I first saw Lamar with Khloe on their show, I was sucked into their love story that sadly went awry. From the minute I heard of Lamar’s condition I prayed that this ugliness would somehow cause reconciliation within their marriage.

Well, the news broke today that their divorce has been STOPPED and I couldn’t be happier.

So why am I writing about this? Is it because I am some crazy person whose love for reality TV has taken over her life so I live vicariously through these random people? No. Absolutely not. I am writing about this because I think their story is a testament to how incredible love is.

Love is a powerful force that once it enters your life will forever change you. Even if at times things get scary and ugly, the love you share with someone has the ability to keep you connected. Horrible things can happen and get in the way of your love story, and maybe even at times make you think that your “Happily Ever After” is gone. No matter what, I believe that if you choose love, you will be able to come back from anything.

I mean seriously, look at how insane Khloe and Lamar’s situation is. He has drug issues that caused their marriage to head towards divorce, she dated other people, and eventually he was found unconscious in a brothel! Those are some crazy circumstances, but somehow out of all the ugliness it has caused them to stop the divorce proceedings. I know that down the road these two may split permanently, especially since Hollywood does a number on marriages, but in this moment I want us to learn something.

Look at your relationship and take inventory of the ugliness that may be entering. Now evaluate your love. Love is so much stronger than any ugliness and two people who are committed to one another can hold on to that love and pull themselves out of a bad spot.

Don’t believe what I’m saying about love being a powerful thing? Take the greatest example of love found in John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”  

God looked at the world and recognized that our sinful behavior was taking away our ability to be in a relationship with Him. Rather than leaving and give up on us, God chose to showcase His love. He sent His only son to pay a debt that we could not afford and He saved us, because He LOVES us.

Love is an amazing gift that causes crazy things to happen. It is a gift from God that we get to experience every day. Don’t give up on love. Like I said, it has the power to carry us out of the most horrific of circumstances.

(I bet you didn’t expect a Kardashian love story and Bible verse to be found in the same post, you’re welcome.) 

It's more than the initial butterflies

Love is so much more than a feeling. Love is a choice that needs to get made every single day. The butterflies will fade and the initial excitement will as well. It’s a natural progression that can at times leave people with lots of uncertainty.

I think that people get a lot of preconceived notions about love.

I dated Josh for 5 years before getting engaged and that incredible amount of time allowed us both to realize the progression of love for ourselves. Of course in the beginning we had the stereotypical excitement. The butterflies and the nerves of being in a new relationship is fun. Then as the years stacked up, the feelings changed. The butterflies faded away and the love deepened.

With this phase it’s easy to let your mind wander and think that your relationship is abnormal. I mean seriously, with Hollywood movies making it look like love is always butterflies and giggles, of course you may think something is wrong.

When Josh and I hit this phase it was a little scary and it manifested itself in different ways at different times. Josh actually recognized it in himself first and then I did probably a year or so later.

We were the only ones in our group of friends who were in serious long-term relationships so there would be moments where we would wonder if “the grass was greener.” Were we missing out on being single and free in our college years, was there someone out there who “better understood” our career paths? Witnessing some of the things our friends got to do made us wonder, especially since our relationship didn’t carry the same excitement it did in the beginning.

Josh like I said, recognized this phase first and I am so glad he did. When I got around to feeling and thinking all of these things, the guilt was overwhelming. I loved Josh and didn’t understand why I felt like that. Thankfully we are both super honest and open so I brought my thoughts and concerns to him and he was amazing. He reassured me that he had felt the same way, but realized it was OK to wonder and that he realized the things that looked appealing were nothing compared to what we had.

And that is exactly the experience I had. The things that were making me uneasy were not things that I ultimately wanted in my life, they were just things that would carry with them the “new excitement” I had originally had with Josh. I realized that what I had with Josh in this present moment was more important to me than a sudden rush of “newness.”  That our relationship had matured and that while the newness was gone, we were still amazing for each other.

I think that people are led to believe the excitement should never fade so when it does they assume something is wrong and bail. Of course the excitement is going to fade. Your relationship is growing, and maturing. The things that mattered in the beginning don’t matter when you connect with someone on a real level.

Looking back, I don’t miss the “newness." What my husband and I have is a genuine deep connection, where every day we choose to love one another to the best of our ability. He is my best friend and the only one I ever want to be with. Yes, the initial excitement is gone, but it has paved a way for things we never imagined.

29 Years

Yesterday my parents celebrated their 29 year wedding anniversary. I called them on my way home from a work function and asked my mom what they were planning to do to celebrate. The answer I got was not one that I expected.

She told me that her and my dad spent the afternoon watching the Bears play while enjoying shrimp and Bloody Mary’s. For the evening they were going to enjoy a bonfire together in the backyard and when they got hungry they would make steak, fondu, and calamari.

I didn’t understand why they weren’t going to go out for a fancy dinner, or even to see a movie. 29 years is a long time to be married, especially in this day and age, so why weren’t they making a bigger deal out of the day?

She then said something that made it all click.

To them it wasn’t about the flashy celebratory ways to enter in their 29^th year of marriage, it was more important to do the simple things they loved together. Doing the simple things together makes them happy and that was all they needed to make their day special.

Over the years I have learned a lot about marriage from my parents. As I enter my 4^th month of this week I am so grateful to their example. I pray that Josh and I always choose to soak in the simple aspects of life, that celebrations of our love for one another are done in ways that keep us connected and grounded. I pray that we never require big showy celebrations of love to make the days special.

(This picture of my parents was taken during the reception at our wedding in June, can't you see the love??)

Mind reading

I’m convinced that Josh can hear my thoughts. Yes, that is probably not accurate, but I swear sometimes I will be thinking about something and he reacts in such a way to make me feel like he was in my head.

Last night I was feeling particularly needy. (Now before you assume things, check yourself. I think that there is a way to be needy in a healthy way. I do not think being clingy and needy are the same thing. In my opinion being needy just means that a part of you needs more attention). In the case of last night, I really needed human interaction. I spent all day alone and my only interactions were quick phone calls. So my neediness stemmed from being lonely.

Since Josh got home late from class and was equally hungry and tired, our interactions were short and mostly focused on the TV. Not exactly what I needed, but I tried to understand that he was just tired so I cozied up in my spot on the couch and just let him relax after his long day.

I sat there quietly thinking maybe Josh and I could plan a date for the weekend hoping the idea of quality time would make me feel better. It wasn’t really working. Next thing I know, Josh paused the TV and started telling me about his day and asking about mine. Then he pulled me close and we snuggled while watching the rest of our show.

Crazy, huh? I didn’t verbalize a thing but somehow he knew exactly what I was thinking and what I needed. Maybe it comes from the years we have spent together or maybe he actually can read my mind. In any case, I love him all the more for it.

Let it go

In this life there will be times when circumstances seem to be constantly punching you in the gut. Some people are able to recover quickly and focus on the good that is right around the corner, but there are other who really struggle.

I personally do not handle negativity well. Depending on the situation, I could dwell on it for long beyond what is necessary. However, I have been on this journey recently to keep myself out of the downward spiral.

Thankfully my husband is the type of person who doesn’t let negativity get him down, and he has been instrumental in my own journey. He has this gift that enables him to see past the problem, and take situations for what they are. He has been able to help me refocus my energy, and show me how to let go of what hurts me.

An activity that I have found that really works wonders is remembering the people and things in life that make you happy. When tough things get you down, that doesn’t mean everything is horrible, there are still hundreds of things that can bring you joy. I actually make lists of things that I enjoy and the people I love, that way when I get caught up in the gunk of life I have a visual and am able to look beyond my current problem.

Another thing that I use is an app! It’s called Happify and is free unless you want to pay for the premium access.

Learning to let the bad stuff roll of your back is a process, one that is highly worth it. Now, I am nowhere near where I would like to be, but I am insanely better than I used to be.

Engagment

It was October 3, 2014 and I was up in Madison visiting Josh. The weekend before I planned a date for us, so this weekend it was Josh’s turn. We spent the day pretty relaxed in his apartment, watching movies and catching up, and of course I was grilling him about when he might decide to put a ring on it.

He kept saying things like, “soon” or “I’m in the process of looking at rings.” Well ladies, those two phrases don’t mean the same thing. If you haven’t picked out a ring yet, that means it won’t be soon. So I was super frustrated. I think if I heard him say “soon” one more time I would have lost it. Especially since that had been his favorite word to use in this discussion for the entire previous year. Since I wasn’t happy, I was being kind of a brat and truthfully didn’t care about anything else.

When the time rolled around for us to start the date Josh planned, we ate dinner in his apartment and then he grabbed this duffle bag and off we went. We walked towards the school, and it was dark and pretty quiet. On the top of Bascom Hill he opened his duffle and laid out a blanket. From where we were sitting we could see all the way down State St. to the Capitol. It was gorgeous.

He explained to me that since one of our favorite things to do was lay out on the deck at my house to look at the stars, this was the next best thing. We sat there talking about our memories, shared funny stories, and discussed where we wanted to be in the future. He reached into the duffle again and pulled out two Cokes and Sour Patch Kids, my two favorite things.

As the conversation continued the temperature dropped so we decided to head in. Josh threw the blankets in the duffle and I started toward the apartment.

He called me back to him, and hugged me.

Then he started saying all kinds of beautiful things, and the one that sticks out the most was him saying he feels at home when he is with me. He then let go of me, got down on one knee and said, “I spoke to your father…. Will you marry me?”

Shock is kind of an understatement for that moment. I couldn’t believe it was actually happening. I was ecstatic and couldn’t find the words. (Of course I said yes). He stood back up and placed the most beautiful ring on my hand. His voice was shaky, and we both just enjoyed the moment.

It was absolutely perfect.

Life stages

Have you ever realized that each stage of your life comes with new relational obstacles?

Yesterday I realized that it is very likely that Josh and I will be friends with a couple whose marriage ends in divorce. That is INSANE to consider. One day we could be having a double date, talking about kids, and then the next they are no longer together! Chances are we will then have to figure out how to remain friends with them, but more likely will only get to be friends with one, if that even!

This kind of dilemma is prefaced by, dating break-ups, un-matched crushes, and more. But the fact that in our near future we could actually have to deal with friends divorcing is so much scarier.

It’s like this life stage comes with so much more finality. Things aren’t as easy as saying good-bye. There is legal paperwork, insurances, shared bank accounts, and maybe even kids. This life stage is not for the weak at heart.  I pray that the people in our life choose to continue pressing on in marriage instead of seeking a divorce.

That’s a crazy thought process I know, especially since we are the only ones married in our circle of friends right now, but it’s been on my mind. 

We NEVER fight.

“We never fight.”

In my dating years, I would hear this from different friends of mine as they talked about their relationships. Now that I am married, and honestly more confident, I believe that statement is a complete joke.

When Josh and I were dating, and my friends would say that they never fought with their boyfriends, it made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Were Josh and I not right for each other? Was I too hot-headed?

With the people around us saying that they never fought, I really believed something was off about our relationship.

Thankfully, over time I began to understand that nothing was wrong with us. Our disagreements or fights stemmed from us being different people. We had different upbringings and see things in a completely different light. When we disagreed or had a problem, that was (and still is) totally normal. Our relationship isn’t broken because we don’t see everything through the same lenses.

The fights and disagreements that we had early in our relationship were a part of our “growing pains.” We were 17 years old when we met, and only 18 when we started dating. Just two kids trying to figure out ourselves and balance a relationship. We didn’t understand each other, or know how to effectively communicate. Throw in my passion and our combined stubbornness, of course there were going to be bumps in the road! And yes, sometimes the fights were bad and took a lot of energy to solve and forgive. But each and every time Josh and I got into a disagreement, we were able to learn something about ourselves and each other.

Those ugly moments helped us to build a concrete base for our relationship. We are 100% authentic in our communication and don’t shy away from having the tough talks now because we have learned how to communicate, even when we don’t see eye to eye.

I am so blessed to be able to verbalize my opinions and thoughts to Josh knowing that even if he doesn’t share my view we will be able to come to an understanding.  I can’t imagine our relationship being any different. Sometimes the ugly things strengthen your relationship, I know it did for us.

It almost makes me sick to think about being in a relationship where there is never a disagreement. (Probably because I have strong opinions and get very passionate). How is that even possible? Is one person submissive on every single topic? That isn’t healthy. People are different, that’s what is so beautiful about life. Hiding your thoughts to avoid a disagreement is dumb. I think that if you want a healthy relationship you have to be able to discuss everything, good, bad, or indifferent.

Fighting isn’t a problem, and over the course of a relationship the “fights” change. They may start out like dramatic high school girls fights, but as you mature you will be able to have disagreements where the tone isn’t mean, and the volume doesn’t increase.

Your relationship is not broken if you fight. As long as you can walk away from each disagreement with a new understanding of yourself and each other, and commit to communicating better in the future, you will be fine.

The rough times Josh and I had early on have now allowed us to rarely have issues. Even when things pop up, we talk about it without getting fired up. Healthy communication is a process, keep working at it, and you will be fine.

(I want to add this side note: My definition of fighting does NOT include verbal abuse or physical contact. Those are abusive circumstances that are unhealthy and should have no place in anyone’s relationship. If you are experiencing these things, please seek help.)

Groceries & Budgeting

Why is it that no matter what, money is SUPER stressful to talk about?

Last night, Josh began reviewing our budget and we are currently at the end of our grocery allowance. Now, being the one who does the shopping, I am fully aware of that. Josh on the other hand, not so much.

I know that our grocery budget was put 100% towards meals that will take us through till the end of the month. Yes I know that sounds crazy, but I am really good at meal planning. So hearing that our grocery budget is gone does not stress me out. I already know what I have in stock, and what I can make. For Josh, it is stressful knowing the grocery budget is spent.

He wants us to start shopping once a week instead of one giant trip per month. My thoughts on that is it will be super easy to go over budget if you are at the store every week. So right now, we don’t have an effective plan.

He then brought to my attention that while I am great at meal planning, we tend to run out of supplies for lunches and breakfast mid-month. True. In fact, I often neglect those meals when I am planning to shop.

Creating an effective budget for groceries is difficult, especially during this time when Josh is in school and I am the only one bringing in a consistent check.

I know that this penny-pinching time will end, and we will be so much wiser with our money for it, but I would love to not be stressed out about it too.

Does anyone have any better ideas for staying on budget with groceries? I am open to anything!

Proud big sis

I am a proud big sister! God blessed me with two incredible little brothers. There are no words to describe how much those two young men mean to me, and today I want to blow them up.

So I will start with the older of the two, Nolan. Nolan is in his last year of college at Eastern Kentucky University. He is majoring in Political Science, and if I am up to date, he also will be getting a minor in Econ. Nolan is also a huge history buff, if you have a questions about anything, I would bet he has the answer. I truly believe that he is the smartest person I know. I so admire his knowledge and his passion for the things he is interested in. Something else that is cool about Nolan is he is active in the things he cares about. He has an insane draw to politics and takes an active role in the community by aiding in campaigns. Nolan inspires me to learn and develop my own opinions on the state of our government. I believe he will end up working in the government and implementing important changes.

Aside from the exterior things about Nolan, he has a true heart of gold. I swear I don’t think he has a mean bone in his body. He would do anything for his family and friends. Even when Nolan and I aren’t getting along, he never says anything to intentionally hurt me. He has this amazing ability to stay level-headed. I so admire his personality. He truly has this gentle spirit and is such a blessing to me.

The youngest is Aidan. At 16 years old, he is driving cars, dating girls, and pursuing sports. Of the three of us, Aidan is by far the most athletic. He plays basketball and baseball. It is so much fun watching him develop as an athlete. It's not so fun when he can out shoot you on the basketball court! Haha! With the athletic life, comes the social life. I swear he is never around and is always going a million different directions. He fills his time with practices, games, weight-lifting, and hanging out with friends. Aidan has more going on in his life now than I ever have! I believe that Aidan will go far as an athlete and is in an amazing position to influence those around him for the positive.

Aidan is also the comedian of our family. That kid could have his own stand-up act. He is quick-witted and able to make jokes at the drop of a hat. There is rarely a time that he doesn’t have us laughing. Sometimes the things he says push the envelope, but it wouldn’t be the same to have him mellow out. He blesses me as well with the goofy person he is.

My brothers and I are different in almost every sense of the word, yet somehow the three of us have this unbelievable relationship. I think that since the three of us are so different we complement each other really well. I love those two guys so much and would do anything for them. Seeing who they are growing into makes me so proud. I love my little brothers!

(From left to right: Aidan, Me, Josh, Nolan)

Who am I?

Have you ever struggled with the question, “Who am I?” Lately, I have been pondering this question and frustrated by my inability to come up with an answer.

I do not want to be defined by my career, or any various relationship. I am more than just a wife, daughter, sister, and entrepreneur. Yet, I am unable to come up with a definition that fits, and makes me feel complete.

Yesterday in particular, I was really struggling with the question, and truthfully it was starting to make me upset. So I decided to journal. The act of writing the thoughts as they flow through my head, at times has been able to help me figure out the things I was struggling with.

My journal isn’t typical like it used to be. I don’t write line by line like I used to. Instead I turn the journal at various points, and let the flow of my thoughts dictate how I write on the page. Yesterday I wrote “WHO AM I?” in purple pen in the center of the page. Then I spent some time filling in the empty space, turning the direction I wrote based on concluding thoughts.

I was amazed by this exercise.

It began with me almost unable to form a sentence, but ended with me actually finding the answer I was searching for.

“Who am I?” is a question that can only be answered by the Creator. God is the only one who can give me a definition that is fulfilling. I will never feel satisfied by my career title, the titles I am given by those around me, or even the ones society gives out. God is the only one who can search the depths of my soul and provide me with a fulfilling answer to the question I am unable to let go of.

Pretty amazing what can happen when you open up your thoughts and just spend some time wading through your ideas. God will meet you where you are at, and it’s amazing when that happens.

Negative

Today I want to leave you with a short blurb:

Several people in my life have decided to “clean house” in the relationships department of their lives. They have decided to no longer allow themselves to be surrounded by negative people who bring junk into their lives.

Of course ending, or gradually ending, relationships takes a toll no matter what the reason. Even if the person wasn’t good to you, it will still be hard to see them move on from you and forge new friendships. That’s probably because you already know the type of person they are, and it’s hard seeing someone get duped into a new friendship with a not so great person.

You are weeding out the negative. In order for that to be possible, someone else has to step in to tolerate it so you can step aside.

Take inventory on the relationships in your life. If anyone is pulling you down, maybe you need to excuse them from being in your circle of friends.