We NEVER fight.

“We never fight.”

In my dating years, I would hear this from different friends of mine as they talked about their relationships. Now that I am married, and honestly more confident, I believe that statement is a complete joke.

When Josh and I were dating, and my friends would say that they never fought with their boyfriends, it made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Were Josh and I not right for each other? Was I too hot-headed?

With the people around us saying that they never fought, I really believed something was off about our relationship.

Thankfully, over time I began to understand that nothing was wrong with us. Our disagreements or fights stemmed from us being different people. We had different upbringings and see things in a completely different light. When we disagreed or had a problem, that was (and still is) totally normal. Our relationship isn’t broken because we don’t see everything through the same lenses.

The fights and disagreements that we had early in our relationship were a part of our “growing pains.” We were 17 years old when we met, and only 18 when we started dating. Just two kids trying to figure out ourselves and balance a relationship. We didn’t understand each other, or know how to effectively communicate. Throw in my passion and our combined stubbornness, of course there were going to be bumps in the road! And yes, sometimes the fights were bad and took a lot of energy to solve and forgive. But each and every time Josh and I got into a disagreement, we were able to learn something about ourselves and each other.

Those ugly moments helped us to build a concrete base for our relationship. We are 100% authentic in our communication and don’t shy away from having the tough talks now because we have learned how to communicate, even when we don’t see eye to eye.

I am so blessed to be able to verbalize my opinions and thoughts to Josh knowing that even if he doesn’t share my view we will be able to come to an understanding.  I can’t imagine our relationship being any different. Sometimes the ugly things strengthen your relationship, I know it did for us.

It almost makes me sick to think about being in a relationship where there is never a disagreement. (Probably because I have strong opinions and get very passionate). How is that even possible? Is one person submissive on every single topic? That isn’t healthy. People are different, that’s what is so beautiful about life. Hiding your thoughts to avoid a disagreement is dumb. I think that if you want a healthy relationship you have to be able to discuss everything, good, bad, or indifferent.

Fighting isn’t a problem, and over the course of a relationship the “fights” change. They may start out like dramatic high school girls fights, but as you mature you will be able to have disagreements where the tone isn’t mean, and the volume doesn’t increase.

Your relationship is not broken if you fight. As long as you can walk away from each disagreement with a new understanding of yourself and each other, and commit to communicating better in the future, you will be fine.

The rough times Josh and I had early on have now allowed us to rarely have issues. Even when things pop up, we talk about it without getting fired up. Healthy communication is a process, keep working at it, and you will be fine.

(I want to add this side note: My definition of fighting does NOT include verbal abuse or physical contact. Those are abusive circumstances that are unhealthy and should have no place in anyone’s relationship. If you are experiencing these things, please seek help.)