He sees right through me

My husband can read me like a book. There is seldom a time that I am able to conceal my inner thoughts and feelings. No matter the reason or mood, Josh can look at my face and know if there is something on my mind or heart.

Sometimes he even can recognize traits about myself that I have not realized. Last night was one of those times. He was home for the day working on things to put himself in a good place for the end of the semester, so I kept myself busy working and taking care of my own things. At the end of the day he looked at me and simply asked if I was ready to talk.

So I did. I spilled the various things that were on my mind and causing me to have anxiety. Granted none of them were huge/major or life altering, but they were enough to leave me uneasy. I told him how I had handled each situation, and he confirmed that what I did/said was correct, honest, and above reproach. While his confirmation made me feel better, it didn’t take away my uneasiness.

Then he really got it. He looked at me again and asked me, “Why are you so afraid of conflict? What do you think is the absolute worst that could come of each of these situations?” I racked my brain and honestly, any scenario I came up with didn’t make sense but I looked at him and just said that I could not handle the idea of someone not liking me, or being angry with me.

He heard what I said and pointed out that I don’t have those same concerns with everyone, but rather just the people I’m friends with or those in my extended family. After going back and forth together trying to “hit the nail on the head” as to why I let small disagreements become huge in my head we came to an interesting point.

There are scenarios in my past where I have been tossed out by people who didn’t share my ideas/opinions or those of the people in my immediate family. There have been times I put myself on the line for people who later betrayed me. These instances have left me with wounded and I never recognized that.

I am not typically someone who strays away from my strong and passionate ideas, but lately I am very gun-shy. After talking with my husband about all of these scenarios I realized that I have to re-learn that it is OK to disagree with people I love and not worry about being abandoned by them.

It’s interesting to go back and realize that the situations I lived through are now impacting my life and the way I handle tough situations. I have to go back to my strong and passionate self and not allow myself to be stifled by anxiety or worry.

I adore the fact that my husband can read me. I love that he can see straight through my exterior and understand the desires and fears in my heart and soul. Having him there to help my better understand myself and work through weaknesses in my life is an incredible blessing. Being able to be 100% authentic with him is perfect.

Our marriage has only enhanced Josh’s ability to understand me. Marriage is such a beautiful gift and I look forward to growing closer to my husband.